Feeling Shut Down Here s How to Open the Dialogue Door Again

Stonewalling is a persistent refusal to communicate or to limited emotions. It is common during conflicts, when people may stonewall in an endeavour to avoid uncomfortable conversations or out of fear that engaging in an emotional discussion will consequence in a fight.

What Is Stonewalling?

Conflict, particularly in close relationships, can exist overwhelming and may experience unbearable. When faced with a potential conflict, 1 partner may stonewall, or completely pass up to communicate. Stonewalling can include fugitive a give-and-take of one'due south feelings, refusing to give nonverbal communication cues, walking out in the heart of a discussion without warning or explanation, or simply refusing to hash out the issue at manus. This tactic can be distressing when the other partner does wish to discuss an area of disharmonize, and the lack of advice might often cause extreme anger and frustration.

Stonewalling occurs on a continuum, and it tin range from refusing to discuss a problem for a brief menstruation of time to completely withdrawing for months. The stonewalling practise of leaving during a discussion differs from leaving a discussion for a brief period of fourth dimension to calm down before returning: Such a cool-downward period might be beneficial to a discussion, but in stonewalling, the point is non to continue talking later but to avoid doing so entirely.

Is Stonewalling Abuse?

Stonewalling is oft built-in of frustration and fearfulness, and when it is used alone, it may occur as the result of a want to decrease tension in an emotionally overwhelming state of affairs, or in an try to self-soothe. John Gottman, a marriage therapist who did extensive enquiry on stonewalling in partnerships, found men frequently react to disagreements with more signs of physiological stress than women do, and thus, they accept been shown to be more than likely to stonewall than women, frequently in an endeavor to remain neutral or avoid conflict.

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Stonewalling can too be a manipulative or controlling strategy. When stonewalling is deliberate, the partner who refuses to communicate is often drawing the situation out and preventing the other partner from seeking out other options to address the conflict or even cease the relationship. People who are stonewalled by others may feel hopeless and feel a loss of control or self-esteem. Stonewalling is ofttimes a manner to gain power over a partner while seemingly doing nothing, though information technology is often used in combination with threats and isolation.

The Effects of Stonewalling

Stonewalling tin can have disastrous furnishings on a relationship. Gottman, who reports that he can predict divorce with nigh-100% accuracy, calls stonewalling i of the "four horsemen" that indicate the likelihood of divorce. Because stonewalling inhibits a couple'southward ability to resolve conflicts, information technology can cause petty disagreements to escalate out of command. When people experience stonewalling, they may react with agony and say or do anything to become the stonewalling to stop. The extreme frustration that may be felt past the partner being stonewalled might also pb to a more serious disharmonize than the original result may have warranted. Thus, information technology is not just stonewalling itself that causes problems, only also the reactions information technology can pb to.

Therapy for Stonewalling

In a partnership where one partner often resorts to stonewalling tactics, both partners may benefit from a revision of communication tactics. It may be helpful for both partners to sympathize why the stonewalling takes identify, and a couples therapist may exist able to help with the exploration of this issue. Because a relationship where communication and cooperation are lacking is unlikely to be successful in the long term, couples therapy may help with the strengthening of communication in a partnership affected past stonewalling.

Stonewalling may be a defensive tactic learned in childhood, or it may be a result of difficulty expressing oneself emotionally. In either case, a therapist may be able to help with both test and resolution of the outcome, and in therapy, new tactics to express emotions and cope with conflict can be explored.

References:

1. Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 20). The four horsemen: Stonewalling. Retrieved from http://www.gottmanblog.com/4-horsemen/2014/10/30/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling?rq=stonewalling
2. Lisitsa, E. (2014, March 12). Self care: Stonewalling part 2 (the enquiry). Retrieved from http://www.gottmanblog.com/archives/2014/ten/31/cocky-care-stonewalling-office-ii-the-research?rq=stonewalling
3. Enquiry FAQs. (n.d.). Often asked questions about Dr. Gottman's research. Retrieved from http://www.gottman.com/49853/Research-FAQs.html
4. Samsel, Grand. (n.d.).  Stonewalling in abuse. Retrieved from http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/stonewalling.html

Last Updated: 07-18-2018

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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/stonewalling

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